Last night I was up until 3 a.m. reading fmylife.com, the hilarious Web site where people tell the world about their ‘f*** my life’ moments. About midway through this marathon session, I realized my weekend was so depressing that I could have probably posted an entire page worth of stories.

Now, let’s be clear: these are not the ‘f*** my life’ stories that come from hot sex, drunken debauchery or even synagogue.

Unlike the wildly embarrassing stories on that Web site, at no point did my RA discover me sprawled naked on my bed, handcuffed to the radiator. Under no circumstances did I fornicate on a live microphone whose loudspeaker fed into a room full of senior citizens. And yes, my bladder still functions properly.

Actually, my depressing stories derive their sadness from sheer, unadulterated boredom. With all the guys out pledging frats and all the girls out partying at places freshman guys can only dream of, I was stuck in my room all weekend with no friends, no fun and no clean underwear (don’t ask).

But please — don’t worry. Like every great convicted felon, I have a near fool-proof plan: I’m starting a fraternity.

That’s right. Bring me your tired, your poor, your loser friends with no life. We’re gonna take this campus by storm.

Of course, we need a charter. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Preamble: Something official sounding, along the lines of ‘We the social outcasts of Syracuse University hereby announce the formation bla bla bla… of our own fraternity in order to improve our campus community bla bla bla… for the benefit of society bla bla bla…’

Traditions: Obviously, starting something from scratch means that no traditions really exist yet. To some, this is a roadblock. To me, this is an opportunity to make random people do whatever pops into my head. For instance, my pledges, will do the ‘ostrich walk.’ Why, you ask? Because it’s tradition, that’s why.

Recruitment: I won’t force commitment onto any unwilling participants. All I ask is that you come to the meeting, try the ‘special punch’ and stay away from the windows. When you come, I bet you’ll want a piece of the action.

Community Service: As part of the pledge process, all new recruits will perform 100 hours of community service at a pre-designated location, and then report back to my PO – I mean, the pledge master. Remember, he goes by ‘Officer,’ and he’s in a Village People cover band.

Academics: We intend to uphold a lofty standard of high achievement in a number of subject areas… Nah. Just kidding. If you can read this, you’re probably overqualified.

Social Events: As frat president, I will throw the sickest parties this side of ‘Old School.’ OK, maybe we won’t have Snoop Dogg rapping on the stage, but five bucks says I could get a Will Ferrell look-alike to go streaking ‘through the quad to the gymnasium.’

Name: Mu Omega Mu. Because we’re Men On a Mission. And nobody messes with MOM’s boys.

Sure, starting a frat is difficult, but isn’t it worth the risk? I for one can’t bear the thought of another weekend stuck in a dorm room that smells like body odor and week-old pizza.

Then again, isn’t that what frat houses smell like, too?

Aw, hell. F*** my life.

Danny Fersh is a freshman broadcast journalism major and the humor columnist. His columns appear every Wednesday and he loves reader feedback. Thank you to Rachel, David, Ben. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu