This Saturday, millions of my fellow Jews will spend the day fasting in solemn reflection of the past year. They will delve into painful memories, deny themselves food and water and take difficult steps toward spiritual healing.

The holiday, called Yom Kippur, is considered the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. It’s a sad, somber and emotionally draining affair. It’s also freakin’ awesome.

You see, by Jewish tradition, Yom Kippur is the day in which all observers repent for the sins they committed in the last year. Thus, they wipe their slate clean for the coming year.

In other words: It’s a ‘get out of jail free’ card —signed, sealed and delivered by the Lord himself. All you gotta do to cash in on the divine forgiveness is dole out a few simple apologies.

Don’t get me wrong, I strive to be a good Jew all year round, but we all make mistakes. Luckily for me, each sin is just one simple ‘sorry’ away from getting stricken from my permanent record.

So, without further ado, here are my apologies for the past year:

1. To my editors: Sorry for turning this column in late. I had important things to do. At Chuck’s. Pitchers don’t drink themselves.

2. To Jerk magazine: Sorry for all those times I made fun of you in the past.

3. To Jerk magazine: Sorry, I’m not gonna stop.

4. To outer space: Sorry I never visited.

5. To the Boston Red Sox and their fans: Sorry, I’m not sorry. Suck on failure, chumps.

6. To the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry student body: Sorry for perpetuating the stereotype that your student body is more in touch with nature than the natives from ‘Avatar.’

7. To the ESF student body: Sorry, it’s true. Oops, I did it again.

8. To my liver: Sorry about this semester. I know things haven’t been the same between us since I turned 21, but I really wish we could be friends again. I totally said nice things about you to my kidneys the other day, so could you please stop ignoring my texts?

9. To my neighbors: You know who you are, and you know why I’m apologizing. Believe me, I had no idea that puppies were allergic to my Italian-herb-and-Four-Loko chicken marinade.

10. To my parents:  Sorry that basketball scholarship didn’t pan out. Two hundred grand in tuition probably cuts into your vacation time.

11. To my roommates: Sorry I had Chipotle last night for dinner.

12. To the Wings delivery guy: Sorry I didn’t call last night. I promise, I wasn’t ordering from somewhere else. You know I’d never do that to you, baby.

13. To my readers: Sorry this week’s column was lame. I promise more penis jokes next week.

Well, now that I’ve repented for all of my sins, I can start the Jewish New Year clean as my backside after my weekly shower. I hope that you too can find a way to absolve your sins through self-atonement.

I hope you’ll earn forgiveness from the Lord. Or your liver. Same difference.

Danny Fersh is a senior broadcast journalism major and his columns appear every Wednesday. This piece was a group effort from Danny’s BDJ 465 news team. If you feel he owes you an apology, email him at dafersh@syr.edu. If not, you probably don’t go to SU. Follow him on Twitter via @fershprince #FershDays.