Look, people.

All I do every day is wake up on a pile of awesome, eat victory sandwiches, drink greatness and sleep in a Jacuzzi full of cash. Is that so wrong?

Granted, the simpleminded masses can’t be expected to understand how I manage to exude elegant manliness with every power-filled stride I take in my priceless loafers made of pure panda bear fur, but they should understand by now that my magnificence must be celebrated, not persecuted.

Sadly in the past,men like me have been forced to hide our brilliance under a mask of mediocrity to shield lesser people from what they can’t comprehend. However, our shackles of secrecy were thrown aside last week when one of our brethren finally decided to end the silence and show the world what it means to be a winner.

Of course, I’m talking about Charlie Sheen.

Through a series of radio and television interviews, this legendary actor with a penchant for porn stars and cocaine revealed to the world that what many of you worthless peons consider to be problems,such as ‘drug addiction,’ ‘manic depression’ and ‘being a total whackjob,’ he calls ‘perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.’

Charlie is one of us. He has no flaws, no problems and no addictions, except for winning, which is something he’ll never quit. Thanks to his courageous declarations of greatness to the American public, the rest of us members of Winners Anonymous no longer need to conceal who we are.

Brothers, we finally have our spokesman. It’s time for us to follow his lead and take charge of a world that rightfully belongs to us.

First, we must assemble. That means you, Snoop Dogg, Nicolas Cage, Ron Artest, John Stamos, Bob Saget, Don Draper, Pee-wee Herman, Miguel Cabrera, Bruce Wayne, Coolio and Mick Jagger. Oh, and Justin Bieber, I guess you can come, too.

We’ve got to unite as one to show the masses what separates us from everyone else. No more acquiescing to the ridiculous societal standards that limit our potential to bring excessiveness to the extreme or, as Charlie puts it, ‘pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second.’

From now on, wherever we go, we travel in private jets or luxury yachts. If those aren’t available, we’lltakehovercrafts or the Millennium Falcon. As for me, since my Subaru station wagon died over Winter Break, I’ll upgrade to a Volvo.

When we land in our respective castles, chateaus, mansions and Comstock Avenue apartments, we’llaccept only the finest products known to man. That means instead of food, we eat diamonds. Instead of toilet paper, we use silk robes. Instead of stuffed animals, we have an octagonal cage filled with sharks and killer elephants.

On weekends,we’ll go on hunting expeditions deep within the Amazon jungle-themed living room within our secret 14-square-mile clubhouse. On the weekdays,we’ll pass the business hours by base-jumping from office buildings while our subordinates stare with longing from their cramped cubicles. Their bosses will watch helplessly while praying we don’t buy their company and fire them for sport.

Will the world accept our lifestyle? Of course not. Will we care? Heck no! As Charlie says, let the rest of the world ‘lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives’ while we all ingest exorbitant amounts of mind-expanding chemicals and play Twister with half of the porn industry.

This is our destiny. We belong to a fraternity as prestigious as the S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications thinks it is and as small as Jerk magazine’s readership actually is.

Winners Anonymous, no more hiding. It’s time to win.

Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major, and his columns appear every Wednesday. Tune into the Chrissy Ost Show on Wednesday at 5 to 7 p.m. at werw.syr.edu to hear him take online talk radio to a whole new level. If that’s not enough Fersh for you, just email him at dafersh@syr.edu.