Every January, about half of the Syracuse University student body starts a brand-new workout regimen in an effort to fulfill the New Year’s resolution of getting in shape.

Whether it’s freshmen desperate to lose the extra chin they acquired after discovering beer, seniors trying to look good for job interviews and graduation pictures,or slackers with massive man-boobs and nothing better to do, one thing’s for certain: By Valentine’s Day, 90 percent of them will be back on the couch, eating popcorn and watching ‘Jersey Shore,’ promising themselves that their two-week ‘break’ from the gym is only a temporary thing. 

Please, guys. We all know the truth. You’re never going back to the gym, and there’s a very simple reason why: New Year’s resolutions, as we know them, are recipes for failure. 

Think about it: Have we ever stopped to consider why we make New Year’s resolutions in the first place? It’s because we were too lazy to accomplish our goals during the previous 365 days. What is it about midnight that makes us forget that as of 11:59 p.m.,we had failed miserably at our objective, whether it be getting in shape, getting better grades or, in my case, learning how to Dougie? 

The fact of the matter is,we need to completely rethink the way we go about setting goals for the new year. No more phony individual resolutions to eat healthier,to exercise more or to stop grooming with a blowtorch. We need to set new, team-oriented goals that we can realistically accomplish if we work together as one student body, striving through 2011 for a better 2012.

Ideally, one of our leaders will step up and create an agenda worthy of our time and energy. However, since Chancellor Nancy Cantor stopped answering my texts, I’ve taken it upon myself to set the 2011 New Year’s resolutions for SU’s student body:

1. Quit complaining about the weather. I wish this resolution could say’make the weather warmer,’but unfortunately we do not control Central New York’s climate. The State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry kids do. As long as they’re calling the shots,we’ll just have to grit our teeth and remember the age-old proverb:when life gives you snowballs, throw them at the ESF kids on the Quad.
2. Recycle. Do this for no other reason than to cheer up the ESF kids you just bombarded with snowballs. The weather always seems nicer when they’re happy.
3. Curb your addictions. No, I’m not talking about drugs, alcohol or even junk food. Each of the aforementioned vices might be harmful, but they don’t cause nearly the level of violence, disease or mass hysteria as another dangerous substance whose widespread abuse is reaching near epidemic proportions: the Blackberry. If we’re not careful, our constant BBMing will rip a wormhole into the space-time continuum, engulf the campus and kill us all. And even if it doesn’t, it’s still really annoying.
4. Watch what you eat. I know this seems like a cliché healthy New Year’s resolution, but I mean this in a strictly literal sense. Seriously. Watch your food carefully. One moment you think you’ve happened upon a delicious snack on the side of the road, and the next moment you’ve learned a very harsh lesson…
5. Don’t eat the yellow snow. I might not be the first person to  mistake this substance for lemon-flavored Italian Ice, but I sure hope I’m the last.

It’s always tough to follow through on a New Year’s resolution, let alone five of them. But if we work together, surely we can succeed as a group in which each of us failed on our own. Let’s begin 2011 with a sense of accomplishment instead of our annual disappointment over the extra jiggle in our wiggle. Then in 2012,we can all work together to tackle even greater challenges, such as finally getting in shape.

Well, maybe in 2013. 

Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major, and his columns appear every Wednesday. His New Year’s resolution is to figure out his new zodiac sign. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.