A lot of controversy has been made of Syracuse University’s selection of Jamie Dimon as this year’s commencement speaker. To be honest, I don’t see what all the fuss is about — we all know what he’s going to say.
 
Graduation speeches don’t vary much from person to person. For all the time, energy and consideration spent deciding who delivers them, speeches inevitably end up being a similar mix of personal anecdotes, life lessons and cliché jokes. You can almost mouth the words as speakers say them: ‘Bla bla bla and I learned that day that there’s no substitute for hard work, dedication and proper fiber intake.’ Or something like that.
 
That’s why we need to mix things up. Enough with the businessmen, politicians and celebrities. Let’s hear from some convicts, addicts and bums. Let’s graduate to the words of a commencement speaker who’s a little messed up in the head. Then, and only then, will we hear a unique speech and original message. And heck, we might actually learn something, too.
 
Luckily, our society is packed with celebrities who fit that description. All you have to do is raid the supermarket tabloids to find them. Their big names will assuage the traditionalists who demand an important speaker, but their epic failures separate them from the righteous path that usually leads to a spot at the commencement podium. Their speeches would be epic, to say the least.
 
Here are some examples of what great commencement speakers would say:
 
Eliot Spitzer: Appreciate the time you spent at college. You’ll never be surrounded by so many vibrant, youthful and loving people again. Unless you’re willing to pay extra.
 
Michael Vick: In life, it’s not about the size of the dog in the fight; it’s about the size of the fight in the dog. Except with dog fighting, then it’s the exact opposite.
 
Tiger Woods: Every time I visit a college campus, it’s a unique experience. This is my first trip to Syracuse University, and only the second or third time I’ve met most of its female students.
 
Paris Hilton: It takes years of hard work and enormous talent to become a successful performer like myself. If you think that sex tape was done in one take, you’re crazy.
 
Snoop Dogg: Where am I?
 
The possibilities are endless. Once we open our doors to random celebrities, they’ll give us the type of wisdom and advice that can only come from years of rehab, prison or public scorn. Then, we can apply their words to our everyday experiences and come out better people for it.
 
Then again, maybe their tales could lead us down similarly dangerous paths. For all we know, the wrong words from the right person could turn us all into sex fiends, drug addicts or, worse yet, Paris Hilton.
 
The only way to know for sure is to stray from the beaten path and start looking for more colorful personalities to speak at commencement. They’ll be tough to find, but they must be out there somewhere.
 
In the meantime, let’s try to avoid controversial speakers like Wall Street CEOs until the economy recovers. Or at least until Dimon comes out with a sex tape.
 
Danny Fersh is a sophomore broadcast journalism major and he does not want to graduate anytime soon. He wants to congratulate the Class of 2010 and wish each and every one of them a pleasant stay on the unemployed list. Just kidding. Sort of. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.