Next semester when I go to Spain to study abroad, it will mark another eight months before I come back to Syracuse University.
   
I know you don’t think it’s a big deal. After all, what do you care if some hack columnist takes a vacation? Life goes on. You’ve got friends to see, classes to attend and parties to go to. Plus, it’s not like that hottie in your Wednesday lecture is any less likely to sleep with you once I’m gone.
   
Still, let’s face the facts. You’re gonna miss me.
   
Sure, you can get by on your own. Maybe you’ll find something else to read on Hump Day. But will that something really entertain you like I can? Any chump can make you giggle a little, but only I can shock, appall, amuse, arouse, inform and offend you the way you truly deserve.
     
Guys like me don’t just walk into your dorm room every other Tuesday and watch you while you sleep. OK, we do. But starting next semester I’ll be obeying that restraining order from across the Atlantic Ocean instead of outside your bedroom window.
     
I’m a rare breed. Seldom will you find a man with such talent that he physically knocks you over with his words. And his karate skills … But mostly his words. I do that every week with my wit, eloquence and powerful roundhouse kick.
     
Right now you might be wondering how you benefit from all of this. After all, does anybody actually like getting roundhouse-humor-columned in the face? It’s debatable, a topic worthy of epic discussions that might last for weeks on end.
     
For all you doubters, let me remind you that since I stepped onto this campus we have recovered from a recession, given every American health insurance, invented the iPad, experienced ‘Avatar’ in 3-D and witnessed the rise of Snooki. Oh, and that whole swine flu thing. Oops.
     
Coincidence? Maybe. Would all of this have happened whether or not I existed? Probably. Am I gonna take credit for all of it? You bet your sweet bippy.
   
I play a much larger role in your life than you realize. Every Wednesday I make your day that much better with my stunning combination of sex appeal, potty humor and good old-fashioned chauvinism.

I turn your frowns into smiles, your clouds into sunshine and your drunken mistakes into sober successes. Admit it: Without me, this campus would be nothing but a somber-faced hilltop with crappy weather and a citrus fruit for a mascot.
   
Obviously, there are more effective ways to demonstrate my greatness than by bluntly stating it to you. However, none of the alternative methods are as efficient as this one, and time is of the essence, for soon I will be gone. Plus, the skywriter I hired just sold his plane to pay off his gambling debt.

So, I hope this column served its purpose and made you appreciate what you have. Because next semester, nobody will be around to tell you how awesome I am.
   
Hasta luego, Syracuse.
   
Danny Fersh is a sophomore broadcast journalism major and his column appears every Wednesday. For a spectacular semester, he would like to thank Flash and the Featchies, Meredith, his four roommates, the Sadler crew, the Watson gang, the Fersh/Markus clan, Uncle Richard, Uncle D’wayne, Dona Hayes, Professor Cremedas’ mustache, Laurence Thomas, Christie Perry, Mos Def, Carmelo Anthony, The Situation and, of course, John Stamos. Danny can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.