About a month ago, I discovered ‘Secret Girlfriend’ on Comedy Central. It’s genius.The show’s premise is that you, the viewer, are the main character. You’re presumably a man in your early to mid-20s, and live with your two hilarious best friends in a beautiful Southern California apartment complex where you do pretty much whatever the hell you want. Your whole life is an endless parade of sunshine, parties and sexy women. Needless to say, I’m incredibly jealous of – um, myself. Every week I sit in front of the TV, and wonder why I can’t just camp out in the sun all day and bang every hot girl that comes near me like my on-screen alter ego (literally – watch the show and tell me that this guy isn’t batting 1.000. It’s like soft-core porn.). Granted, I do nail MOST of the girls I meet here at Syracuse, but now that I’m a sophomore with aspirations to study abroad, graduate early and get a good summer internship, I have actual responsibilities for the first time in my life. For example, last week I had my most serious conversation all semester:My roommate, Sam, walked into our common room, looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘Hey, we don’t have anywhere to live next year.’ I was speechless. Luckily my fellow suitemate, Abram, was ready with a response: ‘Yea, we should really start looking for … OH S***! ‘BARBERSHOP 2′ IS ON!’ Even when I ignore my housing issues for next year, just about all other phases of my life are forcing me to become an adult – or at least a mature young man. Or at least someone who doesn’t spend his Saturdays wearing a lampshade, using his index finger as a mustache and demanding that everyone address him as ‘Master Sensei Fersh.’ This week I have to start planning my academic course load for the next two semesters. Do you have any idea how unnerving that is to a guy who still cracks penis jokes every time Subway runs a ‘Five Dollar Foot Long’ commercial? I’m panicking. For once, I don’t have the time to focus on the future now that my current classes actually require work. Don’t tell my parents, but my freshman schedule was about as hard as grandpa without his Viagra. This year my major dominates my life more than my Jewish mother, my Spanish minor es muy dificil, and my electives are – OK, my electives are still a joke, but that still makes for a tough schedule. For another reason, how the hell am I supposed to know what to study a year from now when I’m abroad in Madrid? I didn’t even realize that study abroad programs required me to take classes. I thought it was just three months of tapas, salsa dancing and Catholic chicks. Besides, I’m still not sure what to take next semester. I need to find a schedule that keeps me on the early graduation track, looks good on an internship resume and doesn’t have any Friday classes or anything before 2 p.m.And as for my summer internship applications – eh, I give up. There’s always next year, right? This summer I’m just gonna sit back, relax and pretend I’m young enough to spend my afternoons in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. If that fails, I can always watch ‘Secret Girlfriend’ or soft-core porn. Like it really makes a difference.

Danny Fersh is a sophomore broadcast journalism major, and his columns appear every Wednesday. Hit him up at Watson any time you’re down for some Sunny D. and a ‘Mighty Ducks’ marathon. He would like to thank Nosh and Jelly, Meredith Popolo and Hali Stark, Jayson Stark and Tim Kurkjian: the pride of Walter Johnson High School. Watch the Fresh Squeeze this week to see Danny learn how to speak Girlese. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.