When I attended orientation last year, I knew what to expect. Like any self-respecting classic comedy connoisseur, I was acquainted with campus life in the movies. That’s why, when my parents left me at Sadler Hall a year ago, I was ready.

I shook hands with my old man and gave my mom a big hug as the two said goodbye to their precious boychick. Then, right on schedule, two topless coeds appeared, placing a frosty beer in each of my open hands.

We sidestepped just in time to miss the unfurling of a red carpet stretching all the way to Frat Row. Someone stripped me down to my boxers so I could ride the carpet, which had magically turned into a beer Slip ‘n Slide, all the way down Frat Row. I rode all the way to the party, where a 12th-year senior showed me the way to maintain my grades despite – oh, who am I kidding? The guy taught me how to do a keg stand.

Luckily, nature called two belligerent seniors donning togas and beer helmets and they proceeded to use their own bodily fluids to melt the ice into K-Y Jelly. Before I knew it, two sumo wrestlers were going at it in the jelly pool and doing keg stands with me between rounds.

Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. Hollywood, for all of its triumphs (‘Caddyshack,’ ‘Caddyshack 2,’ anything with Mr. T), rarely, if ever, succeeds in portraying anything accurately, let alone the ‘Greek’ – meets – ‘Superbad’ – meets – ‘Battlestar Galactica’ lifestyle that is Syracuse. While I did witness a K-Y wrestling match and partied at a frat or two during freshman year, nothing here came close to the expectations I was conditioned for by years of ‘Animal House’ and ‘Old School.’

Freshmen, pay attention: Instead of a red carpet entrance to big frat parties, you’re probably going to get hassled at the door, especially if you’re a dude. But don’t worry – smaller parties are more fun, less crowded and a much better setting for the naked chicken dance.

Also, instead of being mentored by a 32-year-old party legend, you’ll probably get lectured at by a 19-year-old Resident Adviser. But don’t fret – most RAs are cooler than people give them credit for.

Finally, instead of doing keg stands with sumo wrestlers … OK, there’s no parallel for that one; I just like the imagery.

But you get the point. No movie, TV show or soft-core porno on the Spice Channel could prepare you for college life. Everything you heard, saw or read about college nightlife before you got here was probably far from the truth. Except for the topless coeds. That totally happened. Danny Fersh is a sophomore broadcast journalism major and the humor columnist. His columns appear every Monday. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu