Our humor columnist survived a pyramid scheme. Now they’re offering business advice.
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Not to brag or anything, but I had the best spring break ever. A whole week off from feeling bad about skipping assignments was exactly what the doctor ordered. She also ordered me some medication for my mysterious rash, but that’s not what this is about. I absolutely lived it up during the break, and even got a new job! Very exciting stuff.
One of the best parts about my break was the new friend I made! His name is Bobby, and right off the bat, he said he was very impressed with my credentials and offered me a job selling organic skin care products! He said he couldn’t pay me yet, but the brand was backed by Jennifer Lawrence, so who was I to decline? I told Bobby I’d get to work right away.
After that exciting proposition, I hit the skies to go to the 62nd most beautiful place (according to me) in the world: the Florida Keys! After a stressful first half of the semester, I was excited to sit back, relax and watch a classic vacation movie, like “Mamma Mia!” or “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).”
However, duty calls. Even though my airplane mode was on, Bobby still somehow texted me about selling 30 organic products for the week. When I tried to tell him I was on vacation, he texted me my hotel’s address. So I figured I might as well just get in that “grindset.”
As it turns out, planes are a “no soliciting” zone, and the flight attendants threatened to put me in with the luggage if I didn’t stop trying to hawk $60 face cream made of zebra mucus to the people in first class.
Before I knew it, I was on the beach. The waves, the sand and the salt in my hair made it the perfect place to relax. Well, that and the fact that Bobby told me that it was the perfect place to recruit new salespeople. Something about people wanting to earn back the money they had blown on their timeshare? I don’t remember.
After scaling the whole beach looking for new pals to join me in my business endeavors, I finally made my first sale to a woman who agreed to buy our cheapest product – a makeup brush made out of squirrel tail – if I left her alone! A big day for Sarah, indeed.
Bobby was also very excited about this sale, saying I could use the money from my commission to pay for my (only) $600 training! If I keep up the good work, I may even receive health insurance at some point.
When I called my mom to share the good news, she did seem a little nervous. She expressed concerns about Bobby selling me on something called a “triangle scheme?” Oh, pshaw. Someone doesn’t understand entrepreneurship. I confidently told her she wouldn’t be living with me in my New York City penthouse (overlooking the meatpacking district, posh!) when I become rich and famous.
Hot off the heels of my recent sale, I shared the link to Bobby’s website with all of my friends – just like he told me to. One of my friends actually seemed pretty excited about it, responding, “This is crazy. Are you serious?”
I know! It’s almost too good to be true!
After a stellar week, basking in the glow of my newfound “Wolf of Wall Street” persona, I flew back to Syracuse. When I landed, I got a weird text from Bobby. Something about “delete this number” and “decline any interviews with the police?” Classic prankster Bobby, yanking on my tail!
I responded with three laughing crying emojis, but found out Bobby had blocked my number. Apparently, greatness intimidates some people.
