Friend groups in college should not be that complicated
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When I first arrived at Syracuse University seven months ago, I felt determined to make as many friends as I could. Sure, I was in loads of pre-college group chats on Patio and Snapchat, but I was eager to finally meet my future best friends. The goal was to talk to and hang out with as many people as I could in the opening week in hopes of finding the smaller group of the people I really wanted to hang out with consistently for the rest of my life.
What I have come to realize through my time here is that friend groups are not perfect. Friendship should not be as convoluted as the group dynamic makes it.
As freshmen, we are all anxious to be seen and liked after varying high school experiences. When a group of people can come together and appreciate each other, there can be a seamless transition from high school to college. Having a tight group of friends gives us a safe space to fall back on if we need support, guaranteeing that you will never have to feel lonely because a close friend will always be on standby. When you need a break from socializing with new people, sometimes it’s nice to just relax with people you know will have your back.
But friend groups are political. The word ‘group’ implies a singular entity. I have witnessed friend groups pick and choose who they like and who they dislike, who is “in” and “out” of the group. It is expected that everyone will be on board about their feelings about others. If someone in my friend group disliked someone who I had no issues with, I felt a weird dynamic where I had to dislike them too.
The pressure becomes even more difficult when the disliked person is also in the group. Intergroup squabbling puts pressure on everyone else in the group to choose sides.
This usually creates one of two options, both of which I have seen. One is that the group is split, usually forming multiple new groups that rarely ever interact anymore. This is a sad outcome because now I can’t comfortably hang out with people who are not “on my side” anymore, despite me having no issue with them. The other option is where everyone chooses one side, and one person is ejected from the group with sometimes no one else to fall back on. This is not fair to the singular person, but also for people who have no issue with either party in the squabble. Sometimes, we are coerced into abandoning our close friends for the sake of “the group.”
The opposite can be true as well. When everyone else in your group likes one person and you do not. It is hard to voice your opinion without feeling like you will be looked down upon by your friends. It can be hard watching those close to you justify why they hang out with people who might have wronged you. It puts pressure on you to minimize your grievances, suck it up and hang out with people you do not want to just because the group is. With a singular entity like a friend group, individual feelings come second in order to “not stir up drama.”
These problems are prevalent for those fortunate enough to be considered a part of a friend group, but what about those who have trouble finding a group? Friend groups create an illusion of being an official group that you must be let into. If you are on the outside of one, it can be really daunting to approach a group of friends and try to hang out with them.
People should be able to associate with whomever they please without worrying that their close friends will abandon them. These arbitrary rules we have put in place are immature and isolating.
Being that we are on a college campus with plenty of new opportunities, this high school-ish clique mentality should be left in the past. This is not to say that you should abandon your close friends because friend groups are harmful. All it takes is to say hello to that one shy person in your English class that you think is cool.
Ask someone new to lunch every once in a while. It may be scary, but people are usually thankful to know they have someone who acknowledges them. Worry about what makes you happy, not any group. Branch out of your comfort zone! Believe me, I too have thought sometimes, “I shouldn’t reach out, we aren’t that close, they’ll think I’m weird.” I promise that is usually not the case. As freshmen, we all have at least a tinge of anxiety about making friends. Trust me, that nervousness will go away if you just take the chance. It’s a leap for sure, but one worth taking.
In these seven months, I have found my people. Even though I was in a large friend group that dwindled to a smaller group that later became just a few people, I am just as happy as ever. My most valuable lesson was to treat my friends as individuals and not as a group that must always be together. Never feel bad for branching out and being yourself.
Jish Sokolsky is a freshman Broadcast and Digital Journalism major. His column appears biweekly. He can be reached at jasokols@g.syr.edu.
