Our humor columnist offers free therapy for any stressed-out college student
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One thing I’ve been focusing on a lot lately is taking care of myself.
I started going to therapy about a month ago and my therapist has totally changed my perspective on the meaning of self-care. For example, I thought it meant falling asleep on the couch while eating handfuls of Goldfish crackers.
Apparently, it does not.
So, if you’re feeling particularly burned out or stressed, here are some self-care methods I’ve come up with!
If I’m feeling angry or perhaps vengeful (we’ve all been there), I like to journal. Not the typical “Oh, I’m so sad,” kind of journaling, though. I like to tap into my inner Megan Thee Stallion and write diss tracks about my enemies in my butterfly notebook.
I mean, what’s stopping me from calling the guy in my psychology class a “broke fool?” Absolutely nothing, that’s what. The best thing about journaling is that it’s for your eyes only, so be as profane as you want.
As anyone will tell you, exercise is a great form of self-care. However, who on earth has time to actually go to the gym? What are you, on vacation? That doesn’t mean you can’t work around your busy schedule, though.
I’ve come up with a couple of different ways to beat the time restrictions that stop us from working out. The first? Running to and from each class. Sure, it may be a little embarrassing at first, but you also gain a sense of mystery. I’m sure people look at me and say, “Why is she running? Is she late for a fancy interview? Or maybe she’s a very young doctor going to the hospital to deliver a baby!” They say being mysterious burns twice as many calories. I’m pretty sure I read that in “Women’s Health.”
Another perk of running to every single place? No one will stop you to ask if you’ll join their bible study.
One of my other favorite forms of exercise is “Just Dance.” Sure, some may say it’s sad for an adult woman to play “Just Dance” alone in her apartment, but I actually think it’s quite empowering. I do only have “Just Dance 2018,” so I’m pretty limited to song selections. But when I get Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee’s “Despacito” blasting, let’s just say it’s a pretty awesome workout!
A lot of people will tell you that meditation is also a great self-care tool. I hate to break it to you, but I find meditation boring! And hard! Just like my classes! So, like I dropped all of my classes, I’ve decided to also drop meditating. (You can still be a full-time student while taking two credits, right?)
Instead of meditating, I personally like to lay down on my back, take a few deep breaths and then just fantasize about how a first date with all of my celebrity crushes would go. Screw “silencing your thoughts,” I want to imagine how it would go if I ran into Jeremy Allen White at an airport and he automatically fell in love with me.
He would approach me, obviously dressed like he is in his Calvin Klein advertisement, and say, “Wow. You are so beautiful. Tell me, would you like to come to the set of “The Bear” and let me cook you dinner? You look like the kind of girl that would enjoy a hearty Reuben sandwich.”
Naturally, I’d giggle and say, “Only if it comes with a side of you, Jeremy!”
We would then elope.
Believe me, this is not only easier than meditating, but it’s also much more fun. More than anything, self-care should be enjoyable. If you’ll excuse me, I now have to run to my next class (literally).
