Cuneo: Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest journal entry

Dear Journal,

I feel the way every woman feels when they meet me. I did it. Best actor in a leading role, Leonardo Di-F*cking-Caprio baby. Oh my goodness gracious, does it feel amazing. Not this time, crying Jordan meme.

Man, this win feels great. It just makes me put everything into perspective and really think about this moment. On set there would be times where I would question why it couldn’t be higher than 10 degrees when we filmed, or why I had to keep drinking my own urine even though refreshments were on set for the entire crew. Even when Tom Hardy was trying to get me to invest in a West Palm timeshare — I sat through every goddamn presentation. But now, all that hard work has paid off.

Don’t get me wrong — the other guys are all fabulous. Bryan Cranston is still my favorite sitcom dad of all time in “Breaking Bad.” Michael Fassbender did an excellent Ashton Kutcher imitation in “Steve Jobs.” Matt Damon was terrific alongside myself in “The Departed,” you really believe that he could have been from Boston. As for Eddie Redmayne, he already had his turn.

I feel like Steve Young, ripping the cricket stick out of his best shooting guards hands after winning his first World Cup (note: remember that sports reference for the press tour).

It’s time to celebrate. I’m going to be like Kanye pretending to be Oprah on “The Life of Pablo.” You get a Victoria Secret model, you get a Victoria Secret model.

I’m about to go on about a three-week yacht bender that may or may not contribute to the amount of sea pollution that fills our oceans. If it’s vomit, aren’t I just recycling nutrients back into the Earth? Oh well, I already made the speech.

Best,

Leo