Humor : 12 things to do before kicking my SU bucket
In the past decade, a fuzzy phenomenon has liberated men everywhere from the shaving that shackles them 11 months out of the year.
‘No Shave November’ is that phenomenon. And each fall every man can revel in the freedom and beauty of thick, disgusting beards, mustaches, goatees, chinstraps, handlebars, mutton chops, bro-staches, porn staches, Fu Manchus and unibrows.
Well, most men, that is.
For me, ‘No Shave November’ is a yearly confrontation with failure. Even if I go a whole month without shaving, I end up with nothing but peach fuzz and prepubescent whiskers.
With only weeks left in my college career, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never grace the Syracuse University campus with the glorious facial hair I’ve always dreamed of.
Instead, I’ve decided to take my mother’s advice and focus on the things I can control. Like she always used to say, ‘Stop crying, Danny. I told you that leotard would look ridiculous on you.’ She also used to say: ‘Make a list, stupid.’
So without further ado, here is my non-facial hair college bucket list:
1. Compete in SU Idol. For some reason, I was rejected at tryouts last year despite my stunning rendition of ‘Newhouse State of Mind.’ Now my entire stage career comes down to my upcoming tryout for ‘The View.’
2. Hook up with a freshman. Gotta get ‘em while they’re easy! Err —I mean, impressionable.
3. Sign my name on the wall at Chuck’s. Granted, the prime real estate at that bar is mostly gone, but I figure there’s one spot where I could post my phone number and a giant version of my headshot: inside a girls’ bathroom stall. Then again, that could have some negative consequences. Speaking of which…
4. Get into a fist fight. I’d probably get my ass kicked, but I’ve seen way too many Steven Seagal movies not to at least give it a try. Besides, chicks dig scars. And roundhouse kicks.
5. Hook up in an academic building. It’s not that I don’t respect SU as an institution of higher learning — I just figure the best way to leave my mark on Newhouse is with a combination of tears and an unidentified body fluid cocktail. (Back home, they call that drink ‘the Fersh.’)
6. Picket on the Quad. NO MORNING CLASSES! NO MORNING CLASSES! FREE THE ARCHITECTURE MAJORS! FREE THE ARCHITECTURE MAJORS! BRING BACK KFC! BRING BACK KFC!
7. Make a sex tape. This time with a real girl. Who knows I’m filming her. But not in Tijuana.
8. Play poker with Nancy Cantor. ‘I see your $5 and raise you my tuition.’ Or, ‘Full house beats a straight. Now take off your pants.’
9. Play Quidditch at the Women’s Building. For once, I’d like to pretend like I’m flying on a broom without getting any funny looks or breaking my Emma Watson action figure.
10. Have a threesome. This time with two real girls. Who know I’m filming them. But not in Tijuana.
11. Hook up with a Daily Orange staffer. Anyone? ANYONE?!
12. Have a Wings flavor named after me. If it tastes anything like the drink named after me, it’ll be a huge seller among women between ages 30 and 49.
Danny Fersh is a senior broadcast journalism major. His column appears every Wednesday. If you and a friend are between ages 30 and 49 and interested in helping Danny fulfill his bucket list, please meet him for Fersh cocktails in the Newhouse TV studios. Email Danny at dafersh@syr.edu and follow him on Twitter via @fershprince.