This weekend, I was challenged to a fight at a party.

Now, you should know, I am many things. A son, a brother, a stepdad, an adult film star, a big game hunter, an amateur Pilates instructor and a holy man to a remote Guatemalan village, to name a few.

But I am no fighter.

So even as an angry drunk guy stood inches from my face and called me names my mother would disapprove of while suggesting several inopportune locations on my person where he could stash his shoe, I remained calm and walked away.

You see, fighting at a party is about as pointless as the WNBA slam-dunk contest.

This is especially true for guys, who invariably go to parties to meet upstanding women with impeccable moral standards. By fighting, we ruin any chance we have of going steady with one of those women for a few hours in a back room while they reveal their strict morals to us.

Sadly, when that fateful mix of alcohol, testosterone and genital insecurity hits a fever pitch, many on this campus can’t help but look for someone to pummel. Granted, there’s something commendable about using violence for a good cause, like to defend yourself, help a friend or to get a puppy to stop whining. Still, most fights serve no purpose except to make all participants look like overamped gorillas throwing a collective hissy fit.

Don’t get me wrong —outside of Guatemala, I’m no different from the average mortal, so if I’m above violence, the same is easily true for the rest of the Syracuse University population. My restraint is merely a result of years of practice in conflict resolution. Over time I’ve developed five foolproof strategies for nighttime diplomacy that are sure to diffuse a fight before it starts. Read carefully and you, too, will be violence-free.

1. Be nice.

Most people don’t like to hit people who are pleasant to be around. So when a conflict arises, be nice. If someone yells at you, be nice. If they intrude upon your personal space, be nice. If they mutter supernatural curses at you in indigenous Guatemalan dialect, cover your midsection, locate a garlic clove and summon the Mayan sun god. Then be nice.

2. Stay calm.

Nothing throws off an aggressive d-bag like a perfectly calm, measured response to his angry advances. If you can answer a drunken tirade with nothing but a smile and a pat on the shoulder, he’ll be forced to assume you’re either completely unaware of the conflict, too oblivious to care about it or creepily attracted to his shoulders. Any of these three conclusions should buy you enough time to Jedi your way out of a fight.

3. Roll with a crew.

I never show up to a party without The Daily Orange Feature staff, aka the five toughest mutherf*@#ers in Syracuse. These girls might be friendly, sleep-deprived and only weigh a combined 300 pounds, but trust me, they’re dangerous. When conflict arises, they kick butt, take names and show no mercy, all without missing a deadline. I suggest you find a crew of your own to watch your back in case conflict arises, but no matter who you roll with, remember this age-old adage: ‘Nobody f*#@s with Feature.’

4. Buy the next round.

If you’ve been nice, calm and clearly demonstrated your crew is (almost) as tough as the Feature girls, and someone still wants to fight you, try getting him drunk. Remember, alcohol might cause all of the world’s problems, but it’s also the solution to at least half of them.

When all else fails,

5. Kick the offender in the crotch and book it.

It might not be your proudest moment, but you’ll stay in one piece.

Danny Fersh is a junior broadcast journalism major, and his column appears every Wednesday. He would like his readers to know that he loves puppies. When properly cooked. He can be reached at dafersh@syr.edu.